Concise technical tips on behaviors that win others over, while also presenting a larger throughline that argues that discomfort in inner states, physical, mental, or otherwise, is the main obstacle to charisma. Others can see and feel your goodwill, frustrations, focus, distractions, or any other feelings you may have. We don’t often think of this as we have them – controlling that inner state in turn controls how others perceive us.
My Notes
Making others feel intelligent, impressive, or fascinating is an easy path toward being beloved.
- Some quick things to improve charisma:
- Lower intonation at the end of sentences
- Reduce cadence and frequency of nodding, yeses, mhms
- Pause for two seconds before you speak. Breaks in conversation are uncertain moments, but feeling comfortable with the silence projects complete confidence in the interaction. Pausing lets others know you are processing what they have said too – making their words seem thought-provoking is more important than demonstrating how smart you are to process their point quickly.
Cabane breaks charisma into three component parts – presence, power, and warmth. A Brady critique of the book: no mention is given to humor at any point, which feels like a big gap.
We all have bad poker faces. You wear your internal state on the outside. Getting that right is the first step toward charisma. Sounds cliché, but the way this is described is less of a “love yourself first” angle and more of how anything going on inside your mind and body shows up in your interactions. Others can become aware of your discomfort, distraction, self-doubt, or inner critics quickly, even if you don’t think they see it.
A good way to bring yourself back to presence I’ve found myself using is to focus on nearby sound, breath, or sensation in your toes. All of this is similar to meditation practices – I credit Kabat-Zinn for making this kind of mindfulness practice popular in the West.
People accept what you project. You can choose what to project. An easy one to default to is goodwill toward others.
Describing discomfort allows both parties to move on from focusing on the sensations or the potential charisma drag it brings. E.g., if it’s super hot or noisy, both can cause discomfort which then gets projected, but chatting about this with others produces instant sympathy and ensures that what you are wearing on your face, body language, or tone of voice doesn’t get interpreted incorrectly.
Similarly, labeling and naming your inner discomforts can provide an opportunity to move past them. Describing them like an emotion sommelier can even add levity to it and keep zoning out to a minimum.
We hate uncertainty – it can lead us to overshare or talk unnecessarily just to fill in quiet spaces in a conversation. This can be detrimental to negotiating. This is an overcorrection.
One strategy for overcoming uncertainty is to mentally transfer all the responsibility for outcomes onto something else – the universe, god, fate, whatever helps. When the responsibility for uncertainty reduction is not your own, you can have more comfort in any situation.
Charisma can be practiced. Try to talk to strangers whenever possible. Getting more comfortable with discomfort is the key.
Success visualization works beyond sports. Employ it for business, tough conversations, any relationship you care about.
Great ways to get people talking:
• Ask: What’s the story behind it?
• Phrase things with “you” instead of “I.” “I’m reading X book” vs. “You might like this book…”
• Instead of “Great job,” say “You did a great job.”
Zoning out or letting your mind wander while others are talking instantly becomes evident to them.
Never interrupt, even if it’s out of excitement.
Pause before answering, as if your counterpart had just said the most thought-provoking thing that you need to consider.
Playing off compliments to seem modest is the wrong tack – you don’t want to brush off people who have gone out of their way to say something nice. Stop, enjoy it, and thank them for it.
Saying “don’t worry” or “no problem” leaves people thinking about problems and worries. Use positive words or phrasing instead.
An MIT study could predict the success of sales calls using data on how much the customer spoke relative to the salesperson and how much verbal fluctuation the salesperson had. More customer talk and more voice fluctuation meant success.
Smiles can be identified in voice tone alone. Always smile on the phone to project warmth.
Stillness is interpreted as high-confidence body language. Fidgeting, nodding yes while someone is talking, and distracted eyes all detract from this image.
Moving elements give people a comfortable distraction whenever they need it. Candles and firelight do magic for social situations because of this.
Warn audiences that there will be no Q&A section so that you encourage them to ask questions during the speech.
Sam Walton would purposefully drop his notes on the way to the lectern to make himself more relatable.